Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
