i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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