Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize