well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
