shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
