I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
