oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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