True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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