im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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