I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
