In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
