it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
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