it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
