I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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