Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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