i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
