My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
