you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
