I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
