i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
