I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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