Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
