why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
