i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
So apparently I’m into choking now
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