I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My penis needs a shock collar
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
