We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She told me I should be a condom model.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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