we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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