non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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