is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
