dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
