he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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