Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
