I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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