she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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