4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize