I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
