she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize