she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize