so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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