Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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