I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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