I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
