seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Randomize
