worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
