Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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