It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
A bitchslap is in order.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
