my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
