He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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