So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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