Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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