Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
