He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my shit smells like andre
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
