That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
