Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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