cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
