On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
