Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
