Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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