Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize