i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
