I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
