Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
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