may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
