Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
