Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
