You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
