I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
