you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
